What No one tells you about becoming a survivor leader.
4/25/2022
Looking back on how the thought of becoming a survivor leader entered my head, all I can do is laugh. It was a random conversation with Diana where she said, “Have you ever thought of becoming an advocate?” My first reaction was “Me? You want me to be an advocate?” Thinking back to this conversation years later, I can’t believe that this is my life now.
When I first got out of the life and went through different shelter programs; I found myself advocating for others and walking through their troubles with them. At the time, I played off my desire to help as just having a heart or being overly nice. There were many times during my days apart of these programs where I would fight for others even if it meant that I was out of the program. I knew that I was going to be okay because I had the resources and family to back me up. Not everyone is that lucky.
Let me tell you, being a survivor of any kind of violence is not easy, especially when you feel like you’re navigating this world by yourself. I still get the heat that boils inside of me when I find out that someone is mistreated or not heard in a program. Unfortunately, more times than not, these programs fail survivors of trafficking. There are not a lot of resources or training here in the state of Delaware. The resources we do have severely lack funding even though we work tirelessly to make a difference. As a survivor leader, lack of funding for something so critical makes my skin crawl. I have the voice and ability to help a lot of people so why can’t this work? No one tells you the ins and out and why programs are failing until you see this firsthand as an advocate, not a victim fresh out. The truth is as a survivor, victims of exploitation need help - they can’t wait for a call back during the week for safe shelter, they can’t wait weeks for referrals, they need support and guidance to know they can make it out as well.
When I first got out of the life and went through different shelter programs; I found myself advocating for others and walking through their troubles with them. At the time, I played off my desire to help as just having a heart or being overly nice. There were many times during my days apart of these programs where I would fight for others even if it meant that I was out of the program. I knew that I was going to be okay because I had the resources and family to back me up. Not everyone is that lucky.
Let me tell you, being a survivor of any kind of violence is not easy, especially when you feel like you’re navigating this world by yourself. I still get the heat that boils inside of me when I find out that someone is mistreated or not heard in a program. Unfortunately, more times than not, these programs fail survivors of trafficking. There are not a lot of resources or training here in the state of Delaware. The resources we do have severely lack funding even though we work tirelessly to make a difference. As a survivor leader, lack of funding for something so critical makes my skin crawl. I have the voice and ability to help a lot of people so why can’t this work? No one tells you the ins and out and why programs are failing until you see this firsthand as an advocate, not a victim fresh out. The truth is as a survivor, victims of exploitation need help - they can’t wait for a call back during the week for safe shelter, they can’t wait weeks for referrals, they need support and guidance to know they can make it out as well.
No one can prepare you for how many things will trigger you as a survivor leader, or how you will respond when you use your voice, but it is not taken into consideration.
Being out on the street doing outreach is something that warms my heart and I know we are helping many. I don’t know if somehow, I was blind to the idea of “Hey, you’re going to run into people you knew in the life.” But, let me tell you, it happened to me all the time. It brings up so many emotions inside of me. My heart breaks for them knowing what they are facing everyday but on the other hand seeing them smile by getting an outreach bag makes everything worth it. No one tells you that there will be sleepless nights of rethinking every little thing you have done to try to help someone. I learned that I had to decompress with someone after any major outreach or speaking event. Why? Because even if it is a positive experience, as a survivor my trauma brain will take over. The second guessing will take over and I lose faith in myself. Being able to decompress with someone allows all those thoughts to come out, knowing that I am still okay.
Criticism from society is a big thing that I face as a survivor. When someone finds out I am a survivor of trafficking they have many questions, rightfully so but those questions can a lot of the times turn into judgment. In this world we are so quick to judge others without all the facts. I am not saying that some of the things that I did in the life were good, but I have since learned to grow through those complex parts of my past; I put myself through school with honors and holding a steady income all while still advocating for the cause. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find myself isolating and not wanting to let people in because of the judgement.
Not everything about being a survivor leader is hard, there are so many days that are rewarding. Those first smiles from other survivors knowing that they’re loved and safe for the first time, as well as the hugs. I would not take any of that for granted Knowing that my story is helping other survivors helped me realize that there was a reason for me to go through all the darkness-so that the light shines bright for others. I would not change the way that my life has gone. The last few years of going from homeless, fresh out of trafficking to now thriving is unbelievable but it will and can for others! I just hope that if you will learn anything from me it is this: There is enough cold, judgmental feelings in this world right now. Why keep it up when so many victims, survivors, and survivor leaders need your help. Everyone says they want to help the human trafficking cause, but few actually understand it. You will learn from all survivors that we were surviving even while you were judging us for our actions. Be open to the idea that this can happen to ANYONE.
All of this to say, that being is a survivor leader is harder than is sometimes seen by an outside eye, but it is so rewarding, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
– Penelope Duncan, Lived Experience Expert
Sometimes being an advocate is as simple as sitting quietly while they wait to hear an update. Sometimes it is getting excited with them while listening to their dreams and ambitions. At all times, being an advocate is seeing a person’s strengths in who they are at that moment as well as the potential of who they want to be in the future and honoring whatever path they choose to follow. Penny’s focus and hard work to stay true to her path is inspiring. On behalf of Meet Me at the Well, we want to congratulate Penny in being offered a position at Nemours working in a newly developed department! We are beyond excited for Penny and share in her joy for all that she has accomplished and continues to achieve!
– Diana Suchodolski, Ally
Criticism from society is a big thing that I face as a survivor. When someone finds out I am a survivor of trafficking they have many questions, rightfully so but those questions can a lot of the times turn into judgment. In this world we are so quick to judge others without all the facts. I am not saying that some of the things that I did in the life were good, but I have since learned to grow through those complex parts of my past; I put myself through school with honors and holding a steady income all while still advocating for the cause. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find myself isolating and not wanting to let people in because of the judgement.
Not everything about being a survivor leader is hard, there are so many days that are rewarding. Those first smiles from other survivors knowing that they’re loved and safe for the first time, as well as the hugs. I would not take any of that for granted Knowing that my story is helping other survivors helped me realize that there was a reason for me to go through all the darkness-so that the light shines bright for others. I would not change the way that my life has gone. The last few years of going from homeless, fresh out of trafficking to now thriving is unbelievable but it will and can for others! I just hope that if you will learn anything from me it is this: There is enough cold, judgmental feelings in this world right now. Why keep it up when so many victims, survivors, and survivor leaders need your help. Everyone says they want to help the human trafficking cause, but few actually understand it. You will learn from all survivors that we were surviving even while you were judging us for our actions. Be open to the idea that this can happen to ANYONE.
All of this to say, that being is a survivor leader is harder than is sometimes seen by an outside eye, but it is so rewarding, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
– Penelope Duncan, Lived Experience Expert
Sometimes being an advocate is as simple as sitting quietly while they wait to hear an update. Sometimes it is getting excited with them while listening to their dreams and ambitions. At all times, being an advocate is seeing a person’s strengths in who they are at that moment as well as the potential of who they want to be in the future and honoring whatever path they choose to follow. Penny’s focus and hard work to stay true to her path is inspiring. On behalf of Meet Me at the Well, we want to congratulate Penny in being offered a position at Nemours working in a newly developed department! We are beyond excited for Penny and share in her joy for all that she has accomplished and continues to achieve!
– Diana Suchodolski, Ally
“Were you one of those kidnapped children?”
December 2021, Blog 2
The number one question I am often asked is “Were you one of those kidnapped children?” Yes. kidnapping was a part of my story, but it wasn’t how I entered trafficking. There are many myths and misconceptions regarding human trafficking. The one thing I am always honest about is that we need education. When people think of human trafficking it is always how the media portrays it, whether it is a child getting kidnapped or that this is only happening in different countries. Yes, that does happen but let me tell you - it also happens here in Delaware and almost everywhere in the United States.
No one would assume looking from the outside in that I was being trafficked growing up, that even when I was going to school, I had hell waiting for me afterwards. My trafficking started off by my biological parents, I wasn’t kidnapped. I like to tell people I was “born” into this lifestyle but really, I was groomed and knew the expectations I had to meet. The reality is that most survivors and victims of human trafficking are being trafficked by someone that they know and trust. No one noticed what was going on behind closed doors, on vacations or why I started rebelling in school. Trust me, I tried everything in my power to get noticed because I couldn’t speak out that I needed help.
“The reality is that most survivors and victims of human trafficking are being trafficked by someone that they know and trust.”
I knew if I did talk, the punishments would be too severe. Which brings me to an important point; every survivor's story is unique to them, and I can only share my viewpoints. There is a big difference in willingly participating in prostitution and being forced. I can’t remember a time in the past 23 years of being in that life that I wasn’t threatened or told when I could or couldn’t do something. People tend to ask, “Didn’t you want to be there?” Or “Why didn’t you just leave?”. The reality is that I didn’t have anywhere to run to. When it is your own family and you are still a child, where can you go? I remember dreaming of being saved or how I would run away. I attempted to run away 3 times, they all failed. After being severely punished and sent away, I stopped trying.
After a while, I lost my dream and will to fight. In my mind it was better to stay in the situation that I knew then to either end up dead or on the street. It wasn’t until I made my move for the last time to leave, I felt safe enough because I had a support system. I knew it was going to be hard. Three programs, two shelters, a lot of fear, and years later - I am free.
I think what we need as a society to help survivors isn’t for someone to save us but for opportunities with dignity for growth in the areas of our lives for which we are most exploited, such as housing, career readiness and even scholarships for education. Housing is probably the biggest need, without safe, reliable housing there isn’t a stable resource for a person to even think about leaving their trafficker. As a survivor there were times in my first year of being out that I said the words “It would be easier to just go back.” Before you judge me, hear me out. Being told that you’re worthless or that the only thing you would ever be good at was having sex, your midframe changes. I knew what my every day looked like, not this normal 9 to 5 workday without having to worry about safety. What the heck is this? Now I must worry about paying bills and instantly go from a survival mode mindset to being an adult? The transition was rough for me, I missed the fast life. I missed knowing what was expected of me. Even most of my clients were the same, sometimes it would change depending on where I was working but let me say this; yes- clients are your average person that you’re standing next to in the store, your neighbor, and even people close to you. Let’s be real, sex is exploited even in the media. Recently, in my own healing I’ve started to not only view the traffickers differently but the buyers as well. As an advocate, I see the bigger picture. One that is sad. You see, it’s a complete circle. Someone who becomes a trafficker probably didn’t want to grow up doing harm to people. It all goes back to their own trauma and the experiences they had. Traffickers, buyers, and survivors come from all different walks of life, genders, and even experiences. The thing we all have in common is hurt, trauma, and not feeling loved. I think the point to all of this is to say that there are many things that no one thinks about unless you have experienced trafficking or have seen it happen to someone you know. The biggest takeaway here is that education and the voices of survivor advocates are needed for the truth, healing, and self-identity of others to be possible.
Author, Penelope Duncan, Lived Experience Expert, Advocate, EMT
___
There are so many key points that Penny so beautifully and heartbreakingly articulated. I just want to focus on one for this closing thought as it relates to improving programs that may not be specific to survivors of trafficking. There is an expectation of chaos in the beginning stages of exiting. If chaos is not present, it may likely be created. A survivor of complex trauma that has experienced ongoing violence and fear of violence learns to expect that nothing can be expected. The constant state of hyper-arousal of fear of the unknown, whether it is a violent pimp, a violent buyer, or the rejection of loved ones, a survival response of thriving in chaos is developed. Thank goodness for this because it has helped the person to get to the point where they are in a support program, but for this reason, programs that are “one-size-fits-all” are not always the safest or most appropriate option.
Respectfully,
Diana Suchodolski, Executive Director, Advocate
No one would assume looking from the outside in that I was being trafficked growing up, that even when I was going to school, I had hell waiting for me afterwards. My trafficking started off by my biological parents, I wasn’t kidnapped. I like to tell people I was “born” into this lifestyle but really, I was groomed and knew the expectations I had to meet. The reality is that most survivors and victims of human trafficking are being trafficked by someone that they know and trust. No one noticed what was going on behind closed doors, on vacations or why I started rebelling in school. Trust me, I tried everything in my power to get noticed because I couldn’t speak out that I needed help.
“The reality is that most survivors and victims of human trafficking are being trafficked by someone that they know and trust.”
I knew if I did talk, the punishments would be too severe. Which brings me to an important point; every survivor's story is unique to them, and I can only share my viewpoints. There is a big difference in willingly participating in prostitution and being forced. I can’t remember a time in the past 23 years of being in that life that I wasn’t threatened or told when I could or couldn’t do something. People tend to ask, “Didn’t you want to be there?” Or “Why didn’t you just leave?”. The reality is that I didn’t have anywhere to run to. When it is your own family and you are still a child, where can you go? I remember dreaming of being saved or how I would run away. I attempted to run away 3 times, they all failed. After being severely punished and sent away, I stopped trying.
After a while, I lost my dream and will to fight. In my mind it was better to stay in the situation that I knew then to either end up dead or on the street. It wasn’t until I made my move for the last time to leave, I felt safe enough because I had a support system. I knew it was going to be hard. Three programs, two shelters, a lot of fear, and years later - I am free.
I think what we need as a society to help survivors isn’t for someone to save us but for opportunities with dignity for growth in the areas of our lives for which we are most exploited, such as housing, career readiness and even scholarships for education. Housing is probably the biggest need, without safe, reliable housing there isn’t a stable resource for a person to even think about leaving their trafficker. As a survivor there were times in my first year of being out that I said the words “It would be easier to just go back.” Before you judge me, hear me out. Being told that you’re worthless or that the only thing you would ever be good at was having sex, your midframe changes. I knew what my every day looked like, not this normal 9 to 5 workday without having to worry about safety. What the heck is this? Now I must worry about paying bills and instantly go from a survival mode mindset to being an adult? The transition was rough for me, I missed the fast life. I missed knowing what was expected of me. Even most of my clients were the same, sometimes it would change depending on where I was working but let me say this; yes- clients are your average person that you’re standing next to in the store, your neighbor, and even people close to you. Let’s be real, sex is exploited even in the media. Recently, in my own healing I’ve started to not only view the traffickers differently but the buyers as well. As an advocate, I see the bigger picture. One that is sad. You see, it’s a complete circle. Someone who becomes a trafficker probably didn’t want to grow up doing harm to people. It all goes back to their own trauma and the experiences they had. Traffickers, buyers, and survivors come from all different walks of life, genders, and even experiences. The thing we all have in common is hurt, trauma, and not feeling loved. I think the point to all of this is to say that there are many things that no one thinks about unless you have experienced trafficking or have seen it happen to someone you know. The biggest takeaway here is that education and the voices of survivor advocates are needed for the truth, healing, and self-identity of others to be possible.
Author, Penelope Duncan, Lived Experience Expert, Advocate, EMT
___
There are so many key points that Penny so beautifully and heartbreakingly articulated. I just want to focus on one for this closing thought as it relates to improving programs that may not be specific to survivors of trafficking. There is an expectation of chaos in the beginning stages of exiting. If chaos is not present, it may likely be created. A survivor of complex trauma that has experienced ongoing violence and fear of violence learns to expect that nothing can be expected. The constant state of hyper-arousal of fear of the unknown, whether it is a violent pimp, a violent buyer, or the rejection of loved ones, a survival response of thriving in chaos is developed. Thank goodness for this because it has helped the person to get to the point where they are in a support program, but for this reason, programs that are “one-size-fits-all” are not always the safest or most appropriate option.
Respectfully,
Diana Suchodolski, Executive Director, Advocate
Human trafficking and other things no one truly thinks about that really happen after someone exits a life of exploitation.
November 2021, Blog 1
Welcome! This is the first blog of many to come. Here we will go into detail about human trafficking and other things no one truly thinks about that really happen after someone exits a life of exploitation.
My name is Penelope and I am a Survivor Leader Advocate who was in the life of trafficking for 23 years and out for almost 4 years. My co-author is Diana Suchodolski, Executive Director of Meet Me at the Well. Together, we have years of experience surrounding all of the different topics we will be going over.
Human Trafficking is such a diverse crime and there are many different types of trafficking.
The thing about being a survivor of trafficking is that no matter the story, each of us was tricked by someone who we loved and thought we could trust. I can honestly tell you that now, being out years later, I still struggle with trusting people. As I start to truly do deep healing work, it has gotten easier. Instead of being bitter, I have decided to teach people and advise them on all of these points.
When I first got out of trafficking, I was lost. One of the first things I had done was a rape kit and then I went to Law Enforcement. Thankfully I had an amazing support person who was with me every step away, not everyone gets that lucky. It was still a rough experience - I was taught my whole life to not go to doctors and definitely not to talk to the police.
In my brain, there was a fight between fear and truth. The thing about fear and truth is that they can mimic each other when your brain has been conditioned by a trafficker. I remember thinking that I wasn’t going to make it out of "leaving" alive, I was terrified of telling my truth. Terrified was an understatement, especially when it was time to go to the police. Being intimidated by them, I felt as if it was better off dead or staying in a life of trafficking because if I can’t go to people who are supposed to protect me, then who am I supposed to go to?
When I went to court for a protection order hearing, I wanted to run and hide. Seeing my trafficker again made my heart drop. I wanted out of there. Thankfully I met my first advocate through the YWCA. That was the second person I had met who said “I believe you.”
Not only did she help me through the court process but she helped me find somewhere safe to go.
Somewhere safe to go is one of those things that is an extreme need in Delaware and frankly around the world as well. In Delaware alone, we only have one emergency shelter program that specializes in Human Trafficking. The thing is, long-term housing is needed for a survivor to feel safe and get their life on track. During my first couple of weeks of being at the YWCA, I had reached out to Meet Me At The Well. It was important for me to find people who understood my exact needs. Diana was my amazing grace. When I first met Diana I was only a few months out of trafficking. Looking back on it, I was extremely timid and quiet. I was so thankful and always will be grateful for her constant support. She made me feel like an actual human being and didn’t judge any of the things I had told her. Meet Me at the Well was truly a miracle for me.
During the first year out, you feel like you’re losing your mind and you can’t catch a break. There were many times when I would say “It would be easier to just go back.” Those words break my heart now.
What I want people to take away from these blogs is that there are many things that a survivor of trafficking feels and goes through during their transition out of the life of being trafficked and escaping traffickers. Between mental health, our hierarchy of needs needing to be met, and legal issues, life is a jumbled mess. As you can tell from the beginning of my story, having advocates in your life is the most important part of healing. You need to learn how to be safely loved and cared for with no strings attached.
My hope through these blogs is that society will learn about these issues, want to help, and more importantly, that other survivors will reach out for help and learn that it is okay to be loved again and you can rebuild your life.
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Hello, my name is Diana Suchodolski. As Penny mentioned, I am the Executive Director for Meet Me at the Well. One thing Penny and I have in common is a sense of humor about growing up in Latin culture. The food and music are amazing, but the propensity to not air the family laundry was not.
I have learned alongside Penny and am grateful for her continued patience and trust in our partnership of ally and survivor. The most important thing for me to do as an advocate was to keep showing up. When the rest of the world shrinks away from the heartache of work where loss is to be expected, keep showing up. The second most important thing was to get quiet and listen hard.
Through this blog, we aim to bring awareness to the things that are whispered about and shamed around human trafficking that keeps victims from getting help. We want to empower citizens to seek the truth and empower survivors to find their way to safety and healing.
Knowledge is Power:
- Shared Hope International just released state report cards on child and youth sex trafficking. Spoiler Alert - we are not even close to passing.
Listen To Survivors:
- Don't Fully Decriminalize Sex Work. "Expanding the rights of those who profit and benefit from our exploitation won’t make us safer. Decriminalize people exploited in prostitution, not the people exploiting them." Esperanza Fonseca NY Times Op-ed
Empower the Vulnerable:
- Pimps lure in primarily Black and Brown young people in poverty, L.G.B.T.Q. youth who have been kicked out of their home, those who have aged out of foster care and homeless youth.
Penny and I will be inviting guests for interviews, highlighting partner organizations, and demonstrating how human trafficking does not happen in a vacuum. We all have a role to play; what is yours?
Respectfully,
Penelope Duncan, Lived Experience Expert, Advocate, EMT
Diana Suchodolski, Executive Director, Advocate